


Borderline

by allofuswithwings



Category: Muse (Band)
Genre: Angst, Black Holes and Revelations Era, Character Study, M/M, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allofuswithwings/pseuds/allofuswithwings
Summary: A look inside the heads of Matt and Dom.  It focuses on how they see the world, and what has happened to them up until this point, and what they know and don’t know about themselves and each other.
Relationships: Matt Bellamy/Dom Howard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Imported from Livejournal/Dreamwidth. Originally published July/August 2008.
> 
> Chapter lyrics from Silhouettic by Karnivool and Reaction by Dead Letter Circus.

~*~

_Show me what it means_

_Sure I’m dying to know_

_Do I take a hit to the heart?_

_Should I let bleeding wounds weep?  
_

~*~

I always wonder if I knew back then, when we first met, the way things would end up. When I first saw you, scrawny little teenager with wild eyes and crazy brown hair, if something changed in me that day. Or perhaps it was more gradual, the changes inside, the person who I was, and would turn out to be. Much like my feelings. So slow, crept up on me so quietly that I didn’t even notice. Until that one day at my cousin’s place when we shared a joint, we were about sixteen I think.

We lay sprawled across the settee, giggling to ourselves, your head resting comfortably in the crook of my neck and my arm flung lazily across your chest. I remember I was passing you that twisted paper from my fingers, slowly blowing out the thick smoke, when it hit me.

I was content. Completely. I could stay like that for the rest of my life, enjoying moments with you in my arms and not want for anything else. And it terrified me. I was coming up on seventeen and just realised I had fallen in love, hard, without even noticing. With a bloke. My best friend. You.

It scared me shitless, and I did the only thing I could think of; I tried to block it out and hoped it would go away. That was those couple of months where I went completely off the rails, getting absolutely hammered and stoned off my trolley at every possible opportunity. All those weekends where I utterly wrote myself off, as fast as I could, so I didn’t have to think or feel anything anymore.

In a way, it worked, because a lot of it I don’t remember; whole days and nights that are nothing but a few vague hazes of staring up at grimy ceilings or down into the ceramic of a toilet bowl. But the thing was, it didn’t really help at all because nearly that entire time, you were there.

You were the one holding my hand and talking rubbish with me as we got spaced out on shrooms, and giggling like a maniac as I swore like a sailor, throwing beer bottles down the street in the middle of the night. You were the one bringing me water and tissues as I threw up all day in the bathroom and toilet of your parent’s house. It was you who wrapped me in blankets, arms tight around my shoulders and murmuring comforts in my ear, as I shook and panicked during those particularly harsh come-downs. Trying to escape my feelings for you only made them stronger, because it was always you who was there for me, even at my worst.

Eventually I realised there was nothing I could do but accept it, and accept the fact that it could never be. We were best friends, still so young, and at that stage I don’t think any questions about your sexuality had ever crossed your mind. So I just enjoyed having you in my life. We were so close, spent so much time together, that it was almost the same as a relationship anyway, just without the sex. Well, with each other anyway. There were plenty of girls over the years, but for me it would always be second best. But that was okay. Shit happens in life and you don’t always get what you want. Close is better than not at all, and spending all those years living together, touring, playing music and just hanging out with you is consolation enough.

Well, I thought it was, up until a couple of weeks ago when you casually told me and Chris that you were engaged. Just like that, no big deal you said, it just seemed like you should. It was then that this lie I had been telling to myself all these years was brutally exposed; that I was alright with feeling this way and never letting you know. I couldn’t hide behind that anymore.

Now you’re getting married and that’s the end for me. Marriage is serious commitment, the bonding of two lives, and families, and starting your own family. When there’s kids in the picture, there’s no going back.

No little fantasy in my head that maybe one day, some time far off, you’ll turn around and say you love me, and that we should be together. That dream will be gone, permanently, and I’ll have no false hope to hold onto anymore.

So I suppose that’s why I’m here, in this lift up to your flat in London, on my way to see you. God, I must be mad, but my feet are still driving me forward, down the hall to your door. My hand is shaking as I lift it and knock, somehow hoping you won’t answer, even though you know I’m on my way here already.

But I have to tell you everything, or it will destroy me, drive me insane for the rest of my life. And as I hear you shuffling, fumbling behind your door, I hold my breath. I’m thinking I’m about to do the best thing or the stupidest thing I have ever done in my whole life.


	2. Chapter 2

~*~

_You can feel it in the space around you_

_It's like there's something in the way_

_That you can't find_

_And you can't hide  
_

~*~

How could you go and do this to me Dom? After all these years, suddenly turn everything on it’s head and make me feel like this? All twisted up inside, second guessing myself, and making me wonder who I even am anymore. It’s like, this person I thought I was is called into question, and my whole life is so shaken up that I don’t even recognise it.

One day, I’m having the time of my life, with the best job in the world, playing in a band with my mates, and the next, a casual announcement seems to go and change everything. I hadn’t thought much of it before I told you, just saw it as the next logical step in my life, she and I just said what the hell. I didn’t see it as a big deal, not until I told you and Chris anyway. Chris’s reaction was what I expected, that big girl’s blouse, getting all sentimental and welcoming me to married life.

But not you.

I wasn’t ready for what I saw.

When those words escaped my mouth, just for the briefest of moments, there was this harrowing look in your eyes and disbelief washed over your face. It was as though I’d told you the world was coming to an end, and everyone was gonna die. The sadness I saw in your eyes for those first few seconds hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t prepared. Shit, not at all.

The guilt that all of a sudden wrenched in my stomach, and still does, was just as surprising then too. I felt like I shouldn’t have done it, gotten engaged, without talking to you first. And I don’t know why.

I have no reason to feel bad about this.

At least, I don’t think so.

That’s why I’m feeling like this, I’m so messed up inside, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I always thought you and me were friends. Close friends, sure. But…did I get it wrong? Is that why I feel like I’ve betrayed you? Shit, this is so confusing, so fucked up. Why did you have to make me feel this way? How do you do that?

You know me so well, like I know you, and it’s always been that way. I never really thought anything of it, that it could be something more, something else hiding just below the surface.

No. That’s mad, you’re just my best friend Dom.

My Dom.

 _  
Shit  
_  
.

I’m not supposed to think like that, am I? I mean, if we were just friends. Then again, our friendship has never been conventional, everyone always said that, even Chris. Like brothers or something, was his exact wording if I remember it right. I wonder what he meant by that ‘or something’.

Fuck, I’m getting paranoid now, more than usual. But maybe there is something I don’t see, that everyone else does. What is it? I wish someone would tell me, cos I sure as hell have no idea what’s going on.

Why did you have to change things and make me look at you so differently? I’ve never thought of you in that way before now.

Well…

That’s not quite true. There was a short time when we were young, where I wrestled with the question of my sexuality. Because of you.

I’m sure you don’t remember, you were so off your face that night, I was surprised you could even stand. We were about seventeen I think, and you were going through a phase where you wanted to hit everything hard, all the time; the take-no-prisoners kind of getting smashed and wasted. You scared the shit out of me a few times that year, getting so ridiculously sick and fucked up from all the drugs and alcohol, I actually thought you might die, or at least get hospitalised.

However, on this particular night you weren’t quite that bad, not early on anyway. We were at some party, I don’t remember whose, and we’d taken some shrooms you’d managed to wrangle off someone. When they’d started to affect me, I’d told you I needed to get outside, and we’d gone out to the garden round the back.

See, sometimes, very rarely, when I take mushrooms my body reacts strangely, filling me with testosterone and I get, well…horny, to put it bluntly. It happens at random and irrelevant to the company I’m in, and that night was one of those times. So I needed to get away before anyone noticed what was happening involuntarily in my trousers. For some reason, I didn’t really mind if you saw me like that.

Once we were out in the garden, I began fiddling around, freaking out, trying to loosen my fly and hide behind the gazebo at the same time. You were just laughing at me, asking what the hell I was doing, while you stared mindlessly at the ivy and creepers up the walls. I confessed to you what was wrong and you just laughed even more, giggling more like it, at me with my pants open and tripping out on mushrooms.

But what you did next nearly gave me a fucking heart attack.

You said something like, “Need a hand?” and shoved your hand down my trousers.

Fuck, I couldn’t believe you would do something like that, no matter how stoned. And I couldn’t believe myself either. I liked it. No, that’s not true.

I _loved_ it.

Your skin on mine, shit, it was the best thing I’d ever felt. So for those first few moments, I didn’t stop you. I’m ashamed to say it. I was so high and it felt _so good_. Fortunately, a small part of my brain was still rational at the time, and I managed to pull your hand out and do my trousers up.

I remember mumbling something like, “No, I’m fine” and being terrified that you’d freak out or get angry. But you just started giggling again and threw yourself down on the grass to stare up at the stars. Like nothing had happened, and everything was totally normal.

And in the days after the party, you didn’t say anything, so I assume you have no memory of it at all. Probably a good thing. I know it drove me mad for a while, wondering whether I was gay because I enjoyed being touched by a bloke. I eventually wrote it off as another stupid thing we’d both done while wasted and being horny teenagers.

But now…

Everything looks different. You look different. _We_ look different. I don’t know what to do.

And you’re on your way over here, to talk about the tour or something I think. I’m so fucking messed up, there’s no way I’m stable enough to be talking to you right now. Everything just twists and burns inside me, there’s no way I’ll make any sense to anyone else.

Oh god, how did this happen? How did I feel all this before and never even realise? I don’t know what these feelings are, what they mean, and you’re the one who did this.

The way you looked at me when I told you I was engaged, it took my breath away. Those eyes of yours, I’d never noticed how much I love looking into them, reading your moods and sharing your happiness. Or sorrow. Fuck, that hurt so badly, I felt so awful.

I’ve always tried to protect you from things; other people, the world in general, but it looks like you really needed protecting from me. And I never even knew, never knew I could affect you like that.

Bollocks.

There’s a knock at the door and I know it’s you.

What the fuck am I going to do, what am I going to say to you now, when I feel like this?

Somehow I’m being drawn to the door, fumbling at the lock to let you in. And I’m greeting you casually, normally, as though I’m not going completely mad on the inside right now. Have I gotten so good at lying, pretending to myself, that I can do so easily, outwardly too?

You’re making small talk, about the tour, writing for the next album, and you take a seat on one of the stools at my kitchen bench. Your words, your actions seem relaxed, but there’s also this weird presence, energy in the room. What’s going on?

I saw it in your eyes when you came in, something on your mind other than just the band. And now you seem nervous, stuttering, saying you need to talk to me about something.

Oh shit, this is it, I’ve given it away haven’t I?

You know there’s something wrong with me (you always do), that I’ve been acting funny with you these past weeks, and you want to know why.

I’m trying to keep myself busy, rushing to the fridge to get us some beers, but I can see you getting up from your seat out of the corner of my eye. Shit, I can’t cope with you coming any closer to me right now, please stop, no, don’t come into the kitchen.

I’ve put one of the beers down for you, the other I’m holding onto for dear life and praying you’ll go back to where you were. But you’re not, you’re standing too close, looking at me with those beautiful eyes of yours.

Oh shit, what am I saying? Do I really think that? Think of you in that way?

I don’t know. I can’t stop staring into them as you’re trying to talk to me, say something, but I don’t know what. You keep starting, stopping, sighing, and look frustrated. I wish you would just spit it out or leave me alone.

Oh, God.

You’re kissing me. You’re actually putting your lips against mine, my head in your hands.

The beer bottle has slipped from my hands, smashed on the floor. But right now, it doesn’t matter because you’re kissing me.

And I’m letting you.


	3. Chapter 3

~*~

_Now baby this pain won’t end_

_And this heart ache still rises_

_Always on the same page_

_(I’m not sure we are)_

~*~

Oh. This wasn’t part of the plan at all. I wasn’t meant to just come up here to see you, and kiss you. I had this whole speech prepared, telling you all my feelings and not imposing on you. Just letting you decide for yourself. It was meant to be rational, mature and controlled, so we could talk it out sensibly, properly, like adults.

But I panicked, and just grabbed you, overwhelmed with emotion, unable to resist that mouth of yours. And now you’re going to hate me for it, I just know it. I can see it already in your eyes, as I’m pulling away, you look utterly gob-smacked and I don’t blame you.

Your best mate has just pulled this on you out of nowhere, with no warning or preamble and completely ruined any normality of friendship we had. Not that it was altogether normal in the first place, I’m sure you know that at least already.

I don’t know if you know this, but Chris always had this inkling of something decidedly odd about our relationship, which he liked to remind me of quite often, taking the mickey out of me. He never did it with you though, insinuating that he thought you were already neurotic and paranoid enough without him adding to it. But he’s stopped doing it completely now anyway, ever since he realised how serious you’d gotten with her.

Last week, after having several beers, he told me he was glad you’d finally settled and “sorted out all that weird shit”, as he put it. I think he was directing it at me to be honest, because he’s seen the way I look at you sometimes, and suspected there was something else going on, even though there wasn’t. Now is a different story though, because I’ve crossed that line and made it clear that I don’t just think of you as a friend, no matter how close.

And you’re still not saying anything, still in shock I think, and your eyes are so wide. Now you’re running your hands through your hair, rubbing your face, nervously, obsessively, and you’ve started mumbling, swearing. To both yourself and me I think, though you seem panicked more than angry right now. Which is a good thing I suppose.

I can just hear you repeating “no no no no no” over and over again, and you’ve started pacing up and down the small space of the kitchen.

I don’t really know what to do with myself, as there isn’t really a lot I can say after kissing you like that. I can hear you muttering “not now, not now” and you’re pulling at your hair, making it sit at funny angles like it used to all those years ago. It makes my heart ache thinking about all that time I wasted not telling you back then, when it may have been a little easier.

I reach out an apprehensive hand and call your name.

_Fuck Dom! I mean, shit, what the fuck?! God damnit!!_

Maybe I was wrong about the you not being angry thing. You’re shouting at me now, swearing, throwing your hands about and still pulling at your black locks. I swallow, scared of what I’ve done, how I might’ve ruined everything. I can’t say anything to make it better.

_You fucking bastard! How could you do this?! Shit, I’m meant to be getting fucking married! Fucking hell! What do I do?! What the fuck am I meant to do now?!!_

Even between your coherent speech, you’re still muttering, cursing my name, and talking to yourself. Your eyes are so wild, and your body is twitchy, shaking with anxiety and stress. I can’t believe I’ve done this to you; buggered up the chance to have a serious discussion with you, and dumped everything on you all at once.

I flinch as you kick the kitchen cupboard, making a loud bang in the uncomfortably silent flat.

_Not now, not now, no! You can’t do this now! Do that…and make me feel like this! Why did you have to go and fucking mess it all up? Why now, Dom, why?!_

Though you’re angry, shouting at me and blaming me for all I’ve done, I can’t help feel my heart soar at your words. You’re so upset because I’ve made you feel something. I don’t know what exactly, but obviously something that frightens you.

Now is my chance then, I need to get it out.

_Because I was scared. You said you were getting engaged and I…I couldn’t let you without telling you…_

The three little words make you stop.

You’re so wide-eyed, staring at me and frozen still now, no more pacing. I can’t believe I’ve said them either and I’m terrified, because there’s no coming back from this. You know how deeply I’ve felt for you all these years and how much you mean to me, and it’s changed everything.

I swallow again and stare back at you, wanting you to know how serious I am but I can feel myself shaking inside. You look absolutely petrified too and I don’t blame you.

I look down and I can see your hands trembling, and I’m blown away that this confession of mine is hitting you so hard. There might yet be something to this hope I always clung on to, telling myself it was really only false. Perhaps it isn’t.

But you’re shaking your head again now, squeezing your eyes shut and muttering incoherently.

_Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Dom…oh fuck!_

Maybe not so incoherent, and maybe not so hopeful as I’d thought. I’m lost for words again and don’t want to say anything more anyway in case I make things worse again. I just want to reach out and hold you, stop you feeling so upset but I can’t do that either. So I do nothing.

_What…what am I meant to say to that? Fucking hell! How can you just…shit! I don’t know what I’m s’posed to say to that Dom! What do you want? You want me to say I feel that too?!_

Well, that would be nice I suppose. Unlikely, but nice.

_I don’t know what I feel! I’m so confused, fucked up inside right now, I can’t tell you anything. These past few weeks I’ve been questioning everything about myself, because of you!_

Weeks?

_When I told you about the engagement, everything changed, you made me think about how we always were, and are, with each other. In ways I never noticed until now._

Oh. I suppose I didn’t hide my response as well as I thought. Or maybe you can just read me too well, as always. But that means all this, your reaction, hasn’t only been about the fact that I kissed you a moment ago.

_But I can’t…can’t think about this now. It’s too much. I’m with her. It’s sorted. We’re engaged. And you! How can you say what you feel for me, but have someone else too?! It’s not fair. To either of them. Or me._

And suddenly, I feel a cold dread wash over me and I realise what this all means. It’s too late for me to be confessing this to you now. This is what you’re trying to tell me, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what I’ve said to you, or how you feel about it; I’ve waited too long. Whatever may have developed between us, if something could have ever been, it just can’t happen now. It’s over.

You’re rubbing your face with your hands again, shaking your head and leaning against the fridge. What have I done? I’ve completely bollocks-ed up our friendship, and all for nothing now.

You’re sighing, but you take your hands away from your face and look up at me again. My hearts is in my throat staring into those eyes of yours; they always were my undoing.

You’re looking back and forth, like you’re searching for something, but I don’t know what it is and I can’t find my voice to speak. You choke out my name and my chest hurts at the pain I hear in it.

You’re pushing yourself off the fridge and coming over to me, and I’m shaking all over. I don’t know what’s going through your head but your eyes are stormy, a battle waging in them.

Oh god, no, don’t touch me like that.

Your hand is so soft, so tender on my cheek, and I can’t help closing my eyes and sighing. But it makes my heart ache so badly because I know it won’t last. You said you couldn’t deal with this.


	4. Chapter 4

~*~

_If I could I would not react to you_

_If I could I’d have no reaction_

~*~

I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I can’t stop myself. I want to touch your skin. I don’t know why, and it’s making my head hurt. I can’t take my eyes off you anymore. The way you’re reacting to me. I’m looking over your face, your features. It’s like I’m seeing you for the first time.

Oh fuck, what is this? I’m messed up inside and I know I should stop. But my fingers are now moving over your cheek, up the side of your face, over your eyelids, down your nose, to your lips. I can’t help it.

Dom, what did you do to me?

I never felt like this before. I’m sure of it. We were just friends, I know it. Now it’s like I’m someone else. A new person. Because of you. And these new hands of mine want to know you. Your lips feel wonderful under my fingers. Shit, what am I saying? Who am I? It’s like I’m possessed.

Oh fuck. I’m kissing you.

My hand is holding your cheek and my lips somehow found their way back to yours again. You taste fucking amazing. This is mad isn’t it? How could I suddenly feel this way, suddenly want this from you? When I didn’t before.

You’re not fighting me but you’re so still. You seem terrified, shaking under my touch, my mouth. Maybe you want me to stop. I don’t think I can. I don’t know myself anymore. Do you know me still?

I’m touching my tongue to yours and you seem to wake up a bit from that. Your hands are at my chest, my shirt balled up in your fists. And you’re kissing me back now.

Our mouths are awkward on each other, but then again, I’ve never kissed a bloke before. And as far as I know, neither have you. But here we are, snogging each other.

You’re pulling away and I can hear you breathing hard. I’m sure I am too. Your eyes are wide and you look as fucking petrified as I feel.

What happened to us, Dom? How did things change so quickly, so much, and I didn’t even see it? Or maybe I’m just good at lying to myself, trying to deny what’s always been there. I don’t really know, but I do know I want to kiss you again, and that scares the shit out of me. It’s too late to go back now, so I’m going to have to go forward with this, whatever it is between us.

My voice is shaking as I ask you if you really are in love with me.

_Yes._

The conviction in your voice takes my breath away; you sound as though you know it as something that has always been and always will be. Maybe that’s true, and I didn’t want to see it before. It was there, in the softness of your eyes, the wide grin you saved only for me, and the longing in the brush of your hand over mine. Now I know, and I want to see more.

I tell you I don’t know what my feelings are about all this, but that I can’t just pretend anymore that there isn’t something there. Your smile is shaky, but there’s a glint of hope in your eye and I’m managing to smile back.

The truth is, I’ve never been more fucking scared in my life. I’m afraid to be in love with you. Because this situation we’ve made is a total, utter fucking mess, and I don’t want to lose you in all of it. I’ve always had you in my life, and I couldn’t imagine it without you.

So I’m praying to whatever gods, forces, aliens, to the universe itself, that we make it. And I’m already hopeful, from the way you’re taking my head in your hands and closing your mouth over mine again.

I’m being kissed by Dominic Howard. My Dom. It’s fucking incredible.


End file.
